Mz Nyki's Weblog

Sakia’s Sister

mznyki — Mon, 11 May 2009 13:55:14 +0000

I wrote this in loving memory of Sakia Gunn. I will forever carry her memory.

I am Sakia’s Sister

Maybe not in similar reflections

Or bloodlines

I did not pass through her mama’s womb

No genetically connected DNA

But I am Sakia’s Sister

Running through the streets of Newark , NJ

From Springfield

On to Broadway

Learning that the streets don’t love nobody

Swallowing girlish ambitions to persuade from not seeming hard enough

Finding no resting or embracing place

I am Sakia’s Sister

From Penn Newark To Penn New York Station

Where Greenwich Village becomes my heart

As I’m not judged or looked at differently

Just young and vibrant

Just free

No worries

Not afraid riding the train back and forth

In improperly manned subway stations

Where even the bums sleep with one eye open

No worries

Until one night

Some villain less than a man decided it was alright

To take young Sakia’s life

They called it an instigated combat

Even when a 30 year old man stuck a knife

In a 15 year old girls neck

And claimed her life

On the streets in front of a police booth

As taxis sped by

Silent witnesses to a Hate filled homicide

Her blood just as pure and innocent as young Matthew Sheppard

But she didn’t make national headlines

Just a few local stations and gay organizations bold enough to carry her story

On day to day

And I too have been stabbed in the back

With verbal and physical attacks

As my bloodlines

Run thinner than strangers lives I cross in the street

Separating me from family and used to be friends

As I grow lost and hurt

Finding solitude amongst the warm folds

Of another woman’s womb

Licking invisible wounds

From my lovers back

Down her chest

Across her heart

Absorbing pain

Caused by people releasing homophobic views

And passing them off as state beliefs

Damn it I am Sakia’s Sister

In spirit and heart

Crying enough tears in the dark

To form valleys and trenches

Upon my pillow and satin bed sheets

Yet just like Sakia,

My spirit can not be silenced

I stand tall and proud of who I am

Ready to proclaim that my sexuality

Does not define me

In the face of adversity

I stand tall and defend

My lovers and/or friends

I stand tall for all of the women and men that still haven’t found the courage

To leave those closets and double lives

Down low men & women

Military men & women

I speak proudly to all who attempt to make me feel like I’m less that I am

As if I don’t belong

But we are here to stay and we will not stand for discrimination

Or hate crimes

We will not live our lives in secret

Out & Proud

Young

Black

Lesbian

I am Sakia’s Sister

Blazing A Trail

mznyki — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:17:19 +0000

I have been writing and performing poetry since I was about 9 years old. The first poem I read was Maya Angelou’s “Phenomenal Woman” at a Family Reunion my family held. I performed it with such sass that my grandmother informed me to never perform like that again. The next time I spoke in front of a large audience was at the trial of the man that murdered my aunt. After beating her for years he finally decided to kill her in the middle of the night when after she’d finally gathered the strength to leave him. The mistake she made was telling him she was leaving. He slit her neck from ear to ear. I stood at the trial, looked him dead in the eye and words spilled from my 13 year old mouth that brought the court house to tears. I realized then that I’d been given a gift but 14 years later and I’m finally beginning to walk in my destiny.

This isn’t a podium for me to blast my accomplishments. What I have done is nothing compared to some and just enough according to others. I am a published Author, Playwright, Director, and Radio Show Host. My first book, “Think It, Write It, Speak It… Nothing But The Truth”, was published in May 2007. Wrote my first play,”Having Faith When Giving Up Isn’t An Option” in 2005 and it debuted February 2009 as “Bend, Don’t Break”. I’m currently directing my newest play, “Behind The Rainbow”, which will debut June 2009. GSpot Radio Show hit the air in December 2007 and has had great success every since for the LGBTQ community. I am working on a collaboration book for HIV/AIDS awareness and I have a program for HIV/AIDS awareness entitled “Positively Infected” that will show June 27 in Orlando, Fl. I have done many other things but those are some of the ones that I’m most proud of.

All of the above is who I am today however in order to become the “Force” that I am to become I must release some things that I have kept buried for the last 27 years of my life. I was born November 1981. Decided that my mother didn’t have anything else to do that day so she might as well have me. Patience has never been a friend of mine and it wasn’t on the day of my birth either. Never saw the delivery table, decided in the cab on the way to the hospital that she and I just wasn’t getting along and by the time she hit the elevator at the hospital, I stepped right out into the world bald headed, eyes, wide open, and watching. Came into this world running and I’ve been running every since. My biological father is one of two men. Either the man that she’d been dating or the one that violently raped her. In my mind it is the one she’d been dating that has been nothing but a father when the trauma of her rape wouldn’t allow her to be a mother to me.

James Alton West was a man of many short comings but his greatest feat in my mind is being a father to me when no one had every shown him how to. After all, his father was never in the picture. He already had a wife and family so the only thing he had time to do with my grandmother happened in the bedroom. Later in life I had a chance to get to know my grandfather in a way that my father never did. We buried my grandfather in November 2008.

My younger years are a mixture of moving from city to city. Although my father was there, I was primarily raised by my grandmother. She is the image of a grandmother that is known all to well in the Black Community. Where fathers are usually absent and in working and trying to be both parents, mothers just don’t have the time to provide their children with the quality time they truly need. In addition to my grandmother, there was also my great grandmother, great great aunt, and a few aunts that helped to mold me. Although I have other sisters and a brother, I was the only child in a house where the oldest resident was about 92. That was my great great aunt Myra. She lived to be 102 years old.

My great grandmother died of cancer less than a year after I graduated from High School and my grandmother has been in mourning every since. Life ain’t been a bed of roses and I have to shed these layers because my future has a lot to hold and I must “SanKofa”.

Over the next few weeks I will release a life of heart breaks and disappointments. I will share with you stories that most would be ashamed to admit but the truth knows no closets therefore I will wipe my slate clean. In my purging, I hope to inspire you. Maybe something in my life will heal something in yours. This is my trail to blaze and my machete has begun cutting.

To be continued…

“My Women” by: Nykieria Chaney

mznyki — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 01:09:34 +0000

I allowed the very first woman that told me she loved me to lower my goals and ambitions
Allowed her to define my worth
Even though her definition was below my very existence
I redefined myself on her conditions
Even when
I love you
Became I hate you ho*s and bit*hes
Battle scars began to take the place of loving kisses
But I was willing to swim the distance
Excuse my self esteem and allow other women to give me the love she didn’t
I spent 4 years of my life as a victim that was voluntarily crippled
Until my wings could no long take the restrictions and I had to break free
The next woman that told me she loved me…. Had me
I’d never known love could be so strong
Lifted me off my feet and planted me beyond cloud nine
I was flying
I became an addict and she was my hourly addiction
Touched me in places I never knew existed
And allowed me to cross boundaries that were meant to never be broken
We moaned words that didn’t have to be spoken
My body became her playground
And I didn’t mind riding her merry go round as long as she stayed around
And come and go she went
With me and other women
Took the love that I gave and attempted to walk in shoes she could not fill
Never told me the woman she claimed to be was not real
I was all in
Riding 99 in a 45 before reality came crashing in
Put the hood through the back seat
My breath was the only thing left of me
When she was done there was no salvaging me
This love completely flat lined me
The next woman that told me she loved me had to walk with care
Understand that my heart was under repair
And could only operate at minimum capacity
She passionately erased the pain that was buried there
Allowed me to walk as a woman
Speak like a lady
She treated me like a queen daily
Taught me how to set boundaries without encasing my heart in concrete
She loved me
But we were only meant for a season and not a lifetime
She fulfilled God’s purpose in my life even if only for a moment in time
Though we’ve parted ways, she will always be a friend of mine
Now I truly know how to love me
What love is and isn’t
The standard has been set and I’ll never accept anything less
Will never allow a woman to physically or verbally abuse me
Will not lower my standards or forget my ambitions
The next woman
Will accept me mentally, physically, and spiritually
Only a woman of experience
One with virtue
Honesty
And integrity
But until then I’m 100% satisfied with simply loving me

Be Careful

mznyki — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 02:38:42 +0000

My grandmother lives in the country. Well when I was younger she had what’s called a mosquito light. Basically you turn it on at night and all through the night you would hear the bugs flying into the light and being zapped. I often sat and wondered what caused the bugs to keep flying to it.

As I get more involved in various projects and network with different people, I have come to realize that we are all lights in our own sense. The more aligned you are with your purpose and making things happen, the brighter your light will shine. Well those people that are out there searching will become attracted to your life and attempt to attach on to you.

Be cautious of those people…

You must be very cautious of the company that you keep. Everyone will not be as for you as they present themselves as. Now I’ll never attempt to say what someone’s intentions are however people will become attracted to your light because you are now emitting what they wish to have. Just as an energy source, the more they attached, the more they can drain from you. Do you have anyone in your life that just makes you tired? It’s like they always have some drama going on, they love to call you and fill you in on their drama, and they don’t know how you don’t have the same drama they do. Ha. I know a few people like that. But to know they and be attached to them are two different things.

You have to let those people go and please realize that not everyone will understand why you can no longer associate yourself with them. Life is about growth however we all grow as different rates. You would not turn down a raise because they’re not getting one. I have had to learn to love some people from afar and it is best that you learn how to do the same.

I stay busy and often people ask me how I find the time to do the things that I do. Well I don’t find time. I just do what needs to be done. As things come up, I put them in my planner and just do them. I don’t try to see when I can do this and come up with reasons why I won’t be able to do it. Just do it.

And the last thing I want to leave you with is this… It is ok to quit sometimes but you should never ever give up. I have gone back and forth for several years with losing weight. I’ll start a new diet and then I’ll quit. I’ll begin hitting the gym hard and then quit a few weeks later. But you know what… I have never gave up. I will never give up. I will continue until I get it right. And one day, I WILL get it right. See people can look at you and say what they want to say but nobody knows what God has in store for you. You may be starting and quitting so many times so that when you finally get it right, you can look back and use those times as a testament as you encourage someone else.

Do not judge yourself on anyone else’s standards. You will get where you’re going just when you’re supposed to get there. And what is for you is for you so if you don’t have it right now, well don’t worry about it. You have just what you need to mold you into the person that you’re supposed to be.

If you’re struggling right now well that’s what you’re supposed to be doing. Don’t feel pretty right now? Well don’t worry about it. You’ll look back and shout about those moments. Feel burden or depressed? Pray about it. Talk about it. Stop shutting yourself off. Open up your life and stop trying to be superheroes. I believe in you and the power of what you can become.

Remind yourself of your dreams… Now go after them… I am

Nykieria Dennise

I’ve Been Cheating

mznyki — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 20:28:46 +0000

I can no longer hide what my mind has accepted as the truth
And although I hope this doesn’t come between me and you
This is straight honesty without the burden of proof
I’ve been cheating and not on but rather with you
The love affair between you and I
Is a backhand to my main stand
And I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings
But there is nothing that can truly satisfy me like my boo can
My boo wakes me up at 3 in the morning
Roll me over with tongue kisses to my mind
French kiss my intellect and then take small nips
On my fingertips
Keeps me up all night and way into the morning
Have me yearning to connect again
From daybreak to the weekend
The truth is, it will never end
Because I have been in love with poetry since I knew what love was
And she is my forever
My first true love
Accepting my thoughts and desires and turning them into reality
She doesn’t judge me
Love me unconditionally
Through the months that I turn my back on her
Forgiving the lovers I take in between
Poetry is always there waiting on me
And if loving her wrong then just call me a lesbian
Because she does for me what no man can
Appreciates all that I am and reminds me daily of what I’m worth
She provides a safe place when it hurts
A blank canvas to expose my vulnerabilities
The secrets I divulge stay between her and me
And poetry takes me places
Reminds me that it’s not about the destination
But the journey in-between
Not a race to the finish line but a slow stroll to victory
Poetry never rushes me to come
Knows that by stimulating my mind, it will happen eventually
That to get the job done efficiently you have to do it right the first time
Instead of trying to knock my back out
Poetry blows my mind
Men should be jealous
Because she never gags
And she takes it in all at one time
Then allows it to secrete into paragraphs one syllable at a time
She never lets me down
And if I could add a price tag to the satisfaction writing poetry provides it would read
199 9 9 9 9
I’ve become an addict and she is my daily habit
And I would pass her around but I can’t share this good shit
So if you don’t mind having your mind blown from time to time
Pick up a pen and paper and make love to poetry

Bend, Don’t Break

mznyki — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 19:20:22 +0000

PRESS RELEASE

Clouds In My Coffee Theater

www.NChaney.com / (407) 970-1550

Email: Info@NChaney.com

BEND, DON’T BREAK

A POETIC DRAMA THAT INSPIRES

THE AUDIENCE TO FUFILL THEIR DREAMS

BEND, DON’T BREAK

OPENS AT THE AKA LOUNGE FOR

TWO SHOWS ONLY IN FEBRUARY 2009

(Orlando, Fl) Announcing the opening of Bend, Don’t Break by playwrights Nykieria Chaney and Sonya Hemphill, at the AKA Lounge on February 7, 2009.

Bend, Don’t Break is a poetic drama featuring the award winning poems of Nykieria Chaney. The play tells the story of Autumn, a young girl who is the product of a brutal sexual attack. The mother views her daughter’s presence as a constant reminder of the attack and abandons her child. Despite being born into a world that did not want her Autumn rises above life’s expectations by finding help in the most unexpected places.

Directed by Nykieria Chaney, Bend, Don’t Break features Contona Thomas (Juke Joint, The Meeting, School Daze, Seven Guitars), Vanessa Jones (Blaze The Mic, Juke Joint,) Sylvia Butler, and poetess, Nykeria Chaney.

Bend, Don’t Break, is presented by Clouds In My Coffee Theater, the producers of the hit plays, Blaze The Mic and Juke Joint. Don’t miss this fantastic production that will encourage you to live your life and drive home the message that giving up is not an option.

Tickets are $10 Event website: www.NChaney.com

For Reservations Call: (407) 970-1550

Loving Who I Really Am…. I’m Beautiful

mznyki — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:30:05 +0000

I don’t need the sacrificial elements of what love is supposed to be

Those that will and will not pretend to love me

Hidden amongst the folds of what my life will and will not be

I will love me

Because of who I am

What’s within my destiny

I thank the lord above for loving me

Let no man against me prosper

This is for those that realize that there is a God above

That leads me

A man that knows my mistakes even before I made them

This is for the God that loves me regardless of my weight

Regardless of what the mirror reflects

For reflections of me that even I don’t love

For the family that judges me

And the people that will never know me yet have opinions of who I am

This is for living and breathing this life that will continue to be without you and I
The life that doesn’t stop

Time that continue

The love that exists

Joy that breathes

This is for loving

And giving

This is for looking into who I really am and knowing that I’m beautiful

Because God says so

So put down the books and paper

You can not write me into an existence that God has already placed me in

You can not cry my tears or worries

You can not bear the pain upon my shoulders because God has already taken the burden

This is for keepinh my head up even when my smile refused to shine

For believing even when the road didn’t seem promised

Even when destiny seemed gloomy

For taking steps when I wasn’t sure the road was there

For walking in spite of what lied ahead

For believing in me when I was the only one that did

For teaching me how to love and live

For loving me

This is for the God in me

I’m here and I’m loving me

Even still, In Spite of…

Can You Feel Me Now

mznyki — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 05:21:01 +0000

Mechelle
Flowing through the speakers
Cutting through the airwaves
And caressing my ear lobes
As soft as the measured beats
Of your breath
Cradled in the nape of my neck
Bodies touching surpassing any clothed restrictions
Strumming my southern smile
freeing my morning dew
Giving birth to a new day
On the tips of your lips
Head tilted and eyes closed
Savoring natural flavors
As the bass capturers your heart and holds it hostage
Do it again you say
And again
And again
And again until your hips
Back
Shoulders
And vagina walls clench at the same time as your heart beat
Do it again
You moan through lips
Tightly closed on clean cotton sheets
As I ride you from behind
Holding your waist between my hands
I am trying to get all the way through you
Without going all the way in
Can you feel me now

Break Free

mznyki — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:33:01 +0000

Theres My Bra

I am surrounded by men in my office. They do as they please and most days I just laugh at their corny jokes and do what I’m doing. But today was different. Today I broke free. Really.

I have been uncomfortable from the moment I came in this morning. Maybe I didn’t take as much time as I should have to get ready for work. Maybe it was all of the rude people that sped up when I tried to pass them and slowed down when I was behind them on the highway. Either way, by the time I got to work this morning, I was ready for the day to be over. While that’s mostly the case at work, it was strange because I love Fridays.

All day I have shifted back and forth in my seat. My legs got tired, my back was hurting, my shoulders were hurting and my bra straps were too tight. It got to the point where I became completely irritated. So I did the unthinkable at work, in corporate America, when surrounded by males.

After years of fooling around with women, I have mastered the art of one hand bra removals. I nicely slid my right hand up the back of my shirt and undid the back clasp. My shoulders felt free but at that point liberation was too close to turn around. I looked left, then right, and then I took off arm strap by arm strap. Once the bra was removed, I nicely slipped it in my purse, zipped it, and stuck it in the draw of my desk.

NOW I AM FREE and it feels great. Instantly my back stopped hurting and my shoulders relaxed. Of course I will be a bit more bouncy walking down the halls and I’m sure a few heads may turn and wonder if they see what they think they saw but who cares. I love my Fridays and no bra can stop me )

We Danced

mznyki — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 09:18:28 +0000

Just Dance

Maybe it was the drinks
The heat of the moment.
Maybe it was the beat,
the rhythm of her body responding in circular motions
in and out
all in perfect timing with mine
The music sent out vibes that took control of our thoughts
and guided our hips
my locs hung low
covering my eyes from the tempting curve of her lips
Sweet…
Her body scent drifted back
as I tried hard not to bury my face within her neck and become lost
Control quickly began to slip as the night went on and her body…
Continued that slow grind against mine.
I wanted to just be honest and say
“Now excuse me ma, I’m not trying to disrespect you or be rude
but if you swing that thang on me one more time, ain’t no telling what i might do.”
I just wanted to wrap my hands around her waist
get lost in her scent
ride with her motions
and allow her rhythm to take us wherever she wanted to.
But I couldn’t.
So I didn’t
I only danced on the edge of what was and wasn’t crossing the line
but next time I may not be able to stop myself.